A raw reflection on the struggle between saint and sinner, and the hope of God’s mercy.
The Struggle Within
I will help you with one hand and beat you with the other.
My mouth will praise you, even as my mind curses you.
I speak sweet words, while harboring evil thoughts.
I tell you the truth and lie to you at the same time.
I can love and hate you in the same moment.
I ask, How are you? It’s so good to see you.
I tell you how much I care. I even hug your neck.
But the second you turn your back,
I speak of you as though you were the devil.
My mind is split. My heart is divided.
Half the day I live like a saint.
The other half, like a demon.
I will give you the best advice,
yet never follow it myself.
I will tell you never to do drugs,
even as I snort my next line.
I come as a vision of love,
but it is only a mask I wear
to cover the real hate.
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The Warning
2 Corinthians 11:13-15 (KJV)
For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ.
And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.
Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers also be transformed as the ministers of righteousness;
whose end shall be according to their works.
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Lukewarm
I will promise you everything,
but never deliver.
My soul is at peace and in torment at the same time.
A peaceful torment of my own making.
I am no longer hot or cold.
I am stuck in the middle.
Revelation 3:16 (KJV)
So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot,
I will spue thee out of my mouth.
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Good and Evil
I chase both good and evil,
not knowing which I love more.
They have become the same to me.
My right hand does good,
while my left hand does everything wrong.
I am a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I am a snake in the grass,
masquerading as a daisy.
Matthew 7:15 (KJV)
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing,
but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
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Divided
I enjoy worldly pleasures,
while desiring heavenly things.
I am in love with both,
equally divided between the two.
I serve both at the same time.
Matthew 6:24 (KJV)
No man can serve two masters:
for either he will hate the one, and love the other;
or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other.
Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
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Pride and Fear
I will never admit to a fault as great as this.
You will always think me wonderful.
My pride is greater than my humility.
My happiness means more than your sadness.
My peace is more important than your unrest.
I come across like a roaring lion,
but I am a coward to who I truly am.
Proverbs 11:2 (KJV)
When pride cometh, then cometh shame:
but with the lowly is wisdom.
Proverbs 29:25 (KJV)
The fear of man bringeth a snare:
but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.
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A Cry for Hope
What can I do?
Who can resolve such division within my soul?
Isaiah 1:18-19 (KJV)
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord:
though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;
though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.
If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land.
Isaiah 55:7 (KJV)
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts:
and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him;
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
Authors Note
I wrote The Other Side of Me in 2008, in between “It”and I Met the Devil on the Road to Heaven.
This piece comes from a place of spiritual battle — the same kind the apostle Paul describes in Romans chapter seven. He hated the evil acts he committed, but could not stop them on his own, finally realizing that victory was impossible without Jesus.
That’s the heart of this work: if you wake up each day believing you must defeat evil by your own strength, you’ve already lost. Christ has already defeated evil. Our part is to surrender each day to Him.
When we put Christ first, we don’t fight for victory — we live from His victory. That is the only way we win. He must be the reason we get out of bed each morning.
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